Trusting: One Major Confession

I can't sleep tonight.

My eyes feel tired,

and my body aches. 

The problem is, my mind just will not shut off. 

I'm a planner. I like to have a plan for everything.

If I don't, well... I can usually let it go,

and I try my best to go with the flow. 

That usually comes pretty easily for me. 

Once in awhile though I have a hard time coping with not having a plan.

Wednesday I found out that I don't have a job for the summer,

and since then I have been struggling to remain calm. 

I have to tell my self to breathe and just take every day as it comes. 

I have trouble sleeping.

I spend money as though it is the last penny I have to my name. 

I worry about this.

I worry about actually spending the last bit of my money.

Something that you may not know about me is that I'm a saver. 

I love to earn money... and then save it. 

Over several years I have gotten better at not being so worried about money. 

I don't want to be that way. I don't want to stress so much about the cost of something,

or how my bank account might surely just be completely drained some day. 

I do not want money to control me. 

I do not want money to consume me. 

I don't want to save my earthly treasures. 

At least not to the extent where I obsess over it. 

I have other things in my life that are much more important.

In my opinion, I feel as though it is smart to have some savings set aside.
I mean, unexpected things happen. 

Actually, expected things happen too. 

I have college I have to pay for. 

I have car repairs that will have to be made. 

Someday I will be a renter, or a buyer. 

Therefore, I want to put some money aside for those things.

But, I also want to help out missionary's, and help out friends. 

I recognize the fact that I have been so incredibly blessed,

and if I can bless others by using my money in a smart way,

then I have every desire to do so.
I want to be a generous person.
I have an inner conflict with those two desires. 

Honestly, I know God provides.
I mean, when I think of God, I think of a God of provision,
along with many other wonderful traits. 

As much as I don't want to, I'll call this what it is.
Right now I'm going through a trial. 

It's pushing me to trust wholeheartedly

in the one who DOES provide. 

The thought of actively looking for another job is...

exhausting. 

The thought of the rejection I will feel,

and the helplessness that I will react to, makes me want to crawl into bed,

and never look at another person. 

I've been so comfortable in my job for two years, 

that the thought of starting all over again is draining. 

Maybe this will be good for me. 

No, actually I know it will be good for me.

I know that every trial and hardship that I go through

will push me to trust, and grow close to my Savior. 

And that can never be a bad thing.
And I know that when I see God provide, I will have a story to tell. 

I just wish it wasn't so hard. 

“Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow...." Matthew 6:31-34

Midweek Confessions

I'm joining emyselfandi again. Link up, ya'll!

- So far I've watched every episode of 16 and Pregnant this season. No it's not because I want to have a baby right now, it's because I think the couples/ young moms are almost always really ridiculous.

- I had an apple and a piece of chocolate cake for lunch today. Mmm, nutritious!

- I really love toaster strudels. Yum!

- I only have 9 days of school left, and I am way more excited than I should be!

- I keep putting of things that I need to do to start going to UCCS... like financial aid, and orientation. ugh.

- I've also been putting off renewing my passport. It expires in two months which means I can't even use it to travel right now.

That's all I have for now! Happy day to you! Or night...

Hello Sunshine

It has been awhile, and I'm sorry for that. Life has been busy, but good. Also, I haven't had much to tell you all!
I did do a photo shoot a couple Sundays ago. Which I not only was paid for, but she will hopefully hand out a lot of my business cards to the people that she works with. I did a photo shoot for her which will end up in her business' magazine spread.

Anyway, on to other subjects.
Today I found out that I don't have a summer job. Kate has decided to take the summer off and spend time with her boys, and visit her family. I totally understand her position, in fact I encourage it. I was just so happy to have a set job for the summer. Now I get to start the job hunt all over again, and I dread that.

Kate told me this morning that she is not planning on taking summer classes, like she was just a week ago.  All day I have been with the boys and I haven't had much time to think about it. When I was on my way home from class this evening though, I finally started really wondering what I would do for the summer.

I don't have much of an idea yet. I'll look for different nanny/babysitting jobs, and I'm also hoping to find some housekeeping jobs (mostly because cleaning pays more than babysitting). I know that whatever it is, and I'm assuming that it will be something I don't really expect, I know God will provide. And I'm excited to see how He does it.

Happy Wednesday to you all :)

Candy

I just wanted to tell you all that Asher has discovered candy and how delicious it is. I think it's so funny. Max went on an easter egg hunt a couple days ago, and ever since then there has been little pieces of candy everywhere. Asher will find it, and then hoard it. He just holds on to it and walks around. He will not put it down. EVER.

He's had candy before, but I don't think he really liked it until... well, now.

Love the double chin, Ash. 

As we speak Asher is in the corner giggling as he eats some candy I just gave to him. No joke.

Hello Wednesday

I'm doing yet another midweek confessions with e, myself, and i.

- Lately, wednesdays are the only days that get me on my blog.

- Monday I was busy doing something (I don't even remember what) and I couldn't see or hear Asher so I asked Max what Asher was doing, and Max says, "He's asleep!" I go over to see and I find Asher asleep on the stairs. I feel like a bad nanny :( But... in my defense it was like 11 in the morning, and he is rarely tired that early.

- I always laugh so hard when Asher goes to a corner in the house and then I can hear him pushing. I then stop laughing cause then I realize *I* have to be the one to change that dirty diaper.

- I have an extensive to-do list for this week... and yet I sit here writing THIS.

- Maxwell just tried to bribe me today. He said, "if you make cookies with me, then I'll go to focus on the family with you." Like I really want to do either of those. ;)

- I would way rather read than do anything else right now. But I know that's not going to happen.

Happy Wednesday to you :)