Sunday, April 29, 2012

Trusting: One Major Confession

I can't sleep tonight.
My eyes feel tired,
and my body aches. 
The problem is, my mind just will not shut off. 

I'm a planner. I like to have a plan for everything.
If I don't, well... I can usually let it go,
and I try my best to go with the flow. 
That usually comes pretty easily for me. 

Once in awhile though I have a hard time coping with not having a plan.
Wednesday I found out that I don't have a job for the summer,
and since then I have been struggling to remain calm. 
I have to tell my self to breathe and just take every day as it comes. 
I have trouble sleeping.

I spend money as though it is the last penny I have to my name. 
I worry about this.
I worry about actually spending the last bit of my money.
Something that you may not know about me is that I'm a saver. 
I love to earn money... and then save it. 

Over several years I have gotten better at not being so worried about money. 
I don't want to be that way. I don't want to stress so much about the cost of something,
or how my bank account might surely just be completely drained some day. 
I do not want money to control me. 
I do not want money to consume me. 
I don't want to save my earthly treasures. 
At least not to the extent where I obsess over it. 
I have other things in my life that are much more important.

In my opinion, I feel as though it is smart to have some savings set aside.
I mean, unexpected things happen. 
Actually, expected things happen too. 
I have college I have to pay for. 
I have car repairs that will have to be made. 
Someday I will be a renter, or a buyer. 
Therefore, I want to put some money aside for those things.
But, I also want to help out missionary's, and help out friends. 
I recognize the fact that I have been so incredibly blessed,
and if I can bless others by using my money in a smart way,
then I have every desire to do so.
I want to be a generous person.
I have an inner conflict with those two desires. 

Honestly, I know God provides.
I mean, when I think of God, I think of a God of provision,
along with many other wonderful traits. 

As much as I don't want to, I'll call this what it is.
Right now I'm going through a trial. 
It's pushing me to trust wholeheartedly
in the one who DOES provide. 

The thought of actively looking for another job is...
The thought of the rejection I will feel,
and the helplessness that I will react to, makes me want to crawl into bed,
and never look at another person. 
I've been so comfortable in my job for two years, 
that the thought of starting all over again is draining. 

Maybe this will be good for me. 
No, actually I know it will be good for me.
I know that every trial and hardship that I go through
will push me to trust, and grow close to my Savior. 
And that can never be a bad thing.
And I know that when I see God provide, I will have a story to tell. 

I just wish it wasn't so hard. 

“Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow...." Matthew 6:31-34

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